For every step I take forward I get knocked back one again, but its happening on a people mover so I just keep going.

My goodness I have been a busy girl. Getting my apartment all set up. Getting everything  set up really.

My dads going to be in the area in a few weeks. He has to go to Illinois for a meeting. So he’s going to rent a car and have dinner with me. Awkward.

I got into a wreck today. I mean I wouldn’t really call it a wreck. More like a small collision. Me and a friend were on our way to this store in the middle of nowhere that sells pipes.We had been smoking some of that legal synthetic weed stuff. The packaging actually says potpurri. It fucks me up. Nothing like weed. Its actually stronger than weed I think. Its expensive though.

Anyway, back to the wreck. It was pouring. Cats and fucking dogs! I was driving along and sorta spaced out when K said, ” You should probably stop.” So I slammed on the breaks. My tires are bald as mr. clean. So I pretty much just slid on into the back of the dude. I tried turning the wheel. nothing. My options were either speed up or stay the speed I was going. So I just accepted that I would be hitting the car in front of me. It took an eternity. I had to fucking sit there and watch the back of this guys car getting closer and closer to mine.

As soon as we had hit K said, ” Keep going.” I was like, ” What are you fucking crazy!” Then he clarified that he meant keep moving but follow him and stop.

So the cops were called and insurance exchanged. I didn’t get a ticket though, so I consider myself lucky on that front.

Aw fishsticks I just wanted to relax!

I have been high all the live long day. I had big plans to. I was going to make soup and then go to the salvation army to look for things for my game/smoking room, and then I was going to play zelda. Then K called and asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yeah.

So I get in the car and his sister brings us to the gas station where we buy some paradise. Its like that k3 stuff except different. It was blueberry. The package says potpurri but everyone knows its for smoking.

I’m sure its super unhealthy and probs 100 times more damaging than real pot but its legal and she had money. I haven’t been able to find any weed in a while so I was pretty happy about paradise. That shit fucks me up. It’s better than weed but its so fucking expensive.

Anyway, so I was just sitting on my bed in the living room, relaxing from my day of doing shit when theres a knock on the door. T gets up and opens the door and its some of his old friends. Not people he’s super fond of. He tried valiantly to stop them from entering but he could only get away with standing in front of the door for so long before one of them requested entrance.

These people were the kind of people who profusly apologize for just showing up yet they just did it. Not only did they just do what they are apologizing for but they are making it worse by lingering there. If your going to stand there and apologize to me for being in my apartment then why don’t you just leave? Obviously I’m not super into the idea of you just dropping in on me.

I don’t know about people sometimes. Sometimes I just want to punch them in the face.

I have a front seat view of the goings on here.

I’m sitting on my bed right now watching new neighbors move they’re ugly stuff in. I’m sure its not ugly to them, probs just ot me. Its all dark wook. I’ve never liked dark wood. I like light things. Light wood doesn’t show dust as much and its just happier.

Earler I saw the girl from apartment 1 come in. I borrowed butter from her once. I call her 1. I call all the people in the apartment building by room number. The couple moving in right now will be call 6. They live accross from me and T. We’re 5. Or as I call us V. It reminds of V for Vendetta. Anyway back to 1. I’m pretty sure I witnessed her coming in on a walk of shame. T thought she looked like she was on crack. I think she’s cute though. Maybe I like crackheads.

I love my apartment. Its two bedrooms but I sleep in the living room because me and T decided to set the second room up as a game/pot smoking room. T doesn’t like when I smoke in the main livng area because then the house smells like weed. He also doesn’t like how I like to keep my weed in a bag beside the spice rack. I’m going to have to find a nice place for to put my weed. maybe find a nice wooden box for it.

I have a balcony here to! Its amazing I start everyday out by standing on it shirtless brushing my teeth. I’m sure everyone else appreiciates this. I bring the class to this building.

Thank the lord for my friends job interview.

I’ve come to a horrible conclusion. I want to punch my friend K in the face when ever he is under the influence of anything. Weed, alcohol, or adderal. It does not matter what it is. We have very similar highs but there’s one key difference; When I’m high I want to sit down and chill, he wants to go. I turn into a lazy bitch unless I’m cooking. He wants to be out doing something exciting and ridiculous. He has a great affinity for wanting to go around my apartment complex asking the other tenants for things.

I’ve done that once with him. Only because I really really really wanted some eggs but I had no butter or oil for the pan. So I went around the building to ask a neighbor. No one answers their door in my building. We did catch the girl downstairs who I now call one. She gave me some butter and was very cute. I would love to get to know One. Ever since I did this once K now assumes that I love getting up and interacting with the people whom I share the building with. Other than One I really don’t care about getting to know them.

K is very demanding when he wants to do things as well, which leads to him getting onto my last nerve. If someone asks me a question and I give an answer then that is the answer. No amount of repeating your question is going to change my mind. It will only make me madder and madder until I just want to rip your right arm off and beat you with it. Usually our conversation goes a little like this.

K: “lets go (insert ridiculous task)!”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

k: “lets go, lets go, lets go do something!”

me: “I’m high and I just want to sit here and (insert any form of doing nothing).”

K: ” really? aaaaaaw nooooooo! I just want to (ridiculous thing).”

me: “I’m going to ignore you until you stop asking me that.”

This is followed by a nice peaceful moment when I get to sit and listen to music, watch movies, play zelda, ect. Of course these nice moments are often broken by another volley of ridiculous requests. I hate being asked the same thing over and over. If I respond to something then that will be my response the next 50 times you ask.

It’s not just his inclination toward hyperactivity, its how he talks. He gets a weird whiney tone. Like everything is said at a slight whine. I don’t like it. I wish he wouldn’t. Actually now that I think of it he really gets gayer. If that makes sense. He seems to become more flamboyant I guess. It’s terrible.

It makes me want to punch him sometimes. Which sucks because I love him like the brother I never had. He’s a cool guy, and we get along great…just not when he’s fucked up. Which is bad since when he’s around me that seems to be his one goal. I think its because he expects me and my bestie T to always know where there’s a party or something amazing and cool. Sometimes there really is nothing going on… especially  since its summer break.

Luckily he got a call today from a place that could possibly employ K and who also drug test. This is great news. K has decided against smoking or any drug use. Yay! This makes me happy. Sober K means happy me. I just need to try and make this soberness last. Hopefully he will get the job.

I feel kinda bad for feeling this way about my buddy when he’s fucked up but its just the way it is. Some people are just not improved by certain substances. He is way cooler when he’s all there. I’m sure I am to but thats beside the point. I know that I don’t get whiney and pressure people to do things they obviously do not want to. Sure there have been times that I have begged T to drive to burger kind or such establishments for me, but I usually make up for it by getting him something. Really if T doesn’t feel like it I will move to something else. I think its just my personality. I don’t really let my mind linger on one thing for long. Thats probs why I’m no good at relationships. Or it makes me really good at them because no matter how badly they go I can get over them fairly quickly.

little girls make bad plans

So I’ve been spending the day in the small town I graduated high school from. I went swimming and because I never want to put on lotion and  I am pasty I burned. I spent a lot of time with my moms room mates daughter. which is odd because we’ve never got along all that well. I think we have bonded through the use of weed and strawberry mamba.

She won’t use weed but she’ll smoke k3 and black mamba all day long. She doesn’t really understand how to smoke. She’s pretty clueless as to how to light and inhale things. At first she would just suck it into her mouth and release it immediately. She gets a little high that way. Nothing like mine but its cool to her. If she’s happy with it then its all good.

While she smokes her fake stuff I have been smoking northern lights for the last two days. I went to my friend who is also my dealer to buy more weed. She had no selling weed which kinda annoyed me but she did smoke me and K up with her northern lights. At one point I spent about an hour just staring at a poster in a trance. It was amazing.

Let me get back on track here. So I was spending time with my mom’s roommate’s daughter P. She was planning on going to a party with her new friend and K’s sister H. The new girl is actually a really new girl to town. She knows almost nothing about the people. I guess she got here at the end of the year.

Anyway, it was crazy. They sat in H’s room and went through yearbooks and did a run down for this girl on everything that has ever happened with anyone in this town. Everyone who has been or is pregnant, who’s fucked who, who’s the biggest skank, who’s the hottest, who’s the biggest loser, and everything in between. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Like something out of a movie. I had no idea high school girls were actually like that.

So after they took this girl on a book tour of the whole school they prepared for the party. They were of course sneaking out to this party. The alcohol had been bought, the rides decided, and the stories were straightened out. It made me miss the old days when I was in high school and going out to do things I wasn’t supposed to. It always came with that feeling of uncertainty but excitement. Magical.

So I was sitting in my moms room when I got a call from p which I didn’t get to in time and then I got a call from the new girl. They were asking me for a ride. My car is broken down in front of my ex’s house in the next town over so I’m not sure what they expected me to do. They told me to take her older sisters car and come and get them. I was all, ” There’s no way I can pull that off right now, so you better think quick if you want to get back home.” I’m sorry, but I’m not going to take some one’s car with out them knowing so I can pick up some high school girls from a bad party.

I’m not sure if they’ve gotten home yet. It was out in the country so I’m sure its a long walk. Guess I’ll see how that all went in the morning.

I do feel bad for them because this towns parties are the worst. Where I live is a university town and it has the best parties around. I love where I live. This town, not so much. It’s too small. The kids are pussies to. They don’t know how to get good alcohol. They don’t know how to drink. They don’t know how to smoke. They don’t know how to party really. I’m not sure how they survive once they move from this town. I mean I guess I survived but then I’ve always been in the habit of going to the parties at the next town over where I live now. I was never into going to this towns parties.

High school parties aren’t even fun to high schoolers. They always go out with high expectations though, so I guess I got give em that, they have hope.

Now the whole town thinks I’m homeless.

Me and K wanted to eat at a chinese buffet. We were broke though. So we thought we solved this problem by pretending to be homeless.

We went to my apartment and dressed up in the dirtiest homelessesque looking clothing we had. We messed our hair up and then we hit the street. We walked around the town asking for change. My town is not homeless friendly. No one can spare a dime for a poor hungry fake homeless girl and her friend. It started to rain a little so we went to the busiest corner in town and stood there because we thought that people would feel sorry for us and that would up our chances of getting money.

There was a point when I thought to myself how horrible it would be if someone we knew saw us. I also wondered just how much of my self-respect and dignity I had just thrown away to feign homelessness for greasy chinese food.

So we’re standing there and then a woman calls him over. At first we were excited and then we realized that we knew this person. She was a friend’s mom and a close family friend to K. She asked us if we were really homeless.

We had two choices; Tell her we were indeed homeless or tell her we were just being retarded and wanted to get money for chinese food. We told her we were homeless.

She told us if we needed a place to stay we could call her. So we went on our way laughing. Then it started pouring, and she found us again! She told us to get in the car and then she drove us to the wal mart and was totally going to buy us a whole cart of food. There was no possible way we could have felt good about taking food from her but we couldn’t come clean at this point either. So we pulled off this elaborate thing were we convinced her that we had found someone who would house us and she brought us back to where she found us.

We know she went to town and told her daughter that she found us homeless and because the town is like a high school that news spread fast. It’s been cleared up now I think since I make sure when talking to people that I mention my apartment and how I have a home that I live in and pay actual rent like a real life non-homeless adult.

I was told that pretending to be homeless was probably illegal. I’m guessing our other plan to dress up nice and go door-to-door posing as church kids collection money was probs not completely legal either.

Also the way K described his path to homelessness made me sound like I’m his terrible crack head homeless friend who he is was nice enough to hang out with until I pulled him down into homelessness as well. So he looked like a saint and I looked like a terrible dirty hobo.

not an exception

I’m perpetually single.

My girlfriend broke up with me almost a week ago. I think I’ve been handling it well but then again I’ve been stoned for a week straight. She did it through text which sucks. I was super high and drunk when she did it so I don’t think I really processed it at all. It was just like, “Oh I’ve been dumped well that sucks, oh Zelda!” I think I ‘m processing it all super slow. Which sucks because there comes a point during every day when I think deeply about it and I know I get silent and depressed when that happens. The weed helps.

She said she didn’t have enough time for herself let alone anyone else. She has time for her roommate. She makes time for her. Her roommate has a girlfriend to. She’s not too bad. We get along well enough. I think I caught her cheating on the poor girl with my now ex. Me and K knocked on their door and her roommate opened up and then ran back somewhere and was all, “It’s ok, its just Sarah and K.” My ex B acted like nothing was happening but I know better. I was high not stupid.

She wont talk to me now which is bullshit because I never stopped talking to her. To be truthful I wasn’t really upset. I think I deserve a talk though, which she said we would but now she seems to be avoiding it. Her reaction to breaking up with me is odd. I really can’t compute it.

Well if she wants to distance herself for no apparent reason then I will just have to deal with it.

movings a bitch.

I made the trip from Florida to Missouri in 15 hours. It was amazing. I drove 90 most of the time I was driving, which ended up being about 10 hours out of the 15. Me and T were supposed to switch every 4 hours but it ended up working out to where I drove 4 hours and T drove about 2 before we switched again. I have a complete inability to just sit in the car and enjoy the ride. I need to constantly be doing something. So I ended up driving most of it. I was able to time it out so that T had to drive though all the cities. I’m no good at driving through cities. So he took on Atlanta, Memphis, and St. Louis.

I did drive over the mountains in TN. It was fucking intense yo! It was dark, there was no light, and there were a lot of trucks pulled over with their hazards on. We couldn’t figure out why ALL the truckers decided to pull over with their hazards but it was dark and creepy and we were almost out of gas so it was terrifying.

I’ve been back a while now and already I’ve got up to a lot. It’s nice being back home.

Give me alcohol or weed and I will save your baby from a burning building.

When I’m drunk and/or high I’m like a ninja. I can fend off blows and jump around like bruce lee. As soon as I’m sober though, not so much. I’m like a fucking sloth trying to block punches when I’m sober.

Being sober is my kryptonite.

My friend likes to play punch buggy a lot. When I’m sober I’m pretty much at her mercy. I’m neither quick enough to spot the VWs or to block her punches. Let me smoke or drink a little though and suddenly its like I’m in the matrix. She tried to throw a punch at me and I literally stopped her with my fist! Our fists came together perfectly and then I countered with an awesome punch. I was all, ” PYAAAA SILVER ONE!!!” *pow*. It was beautiful. I didn’t even feel the pain of smashing me fist into hers. I mean I kinda did but I was so focused on finishing her that I just moved past it.

I don’t even have to be looking at a person to block their hits. If I can even vaguely see movement out of my peripheral vision my body will automatically move into position to perfectly deflect the blows.

I used to take tai chi. Which is not really something that you think of being a dangerous art but its actually perfect for self defense. Plus did you know that if you speed up tai chi moves they can actually be used to inflict damage? Its actually pretty amazing. I think the combination of alcohol and/or weed in my bloodstream and the few months of tai chi I took make me some kind of ninja.

If I get one more friggin cookbook…

I don’t understand why it is that when someone chooses to go to school for some kind of profession all of a sudden everyone thinks they want that to invade their entire life. When I was 16 and said that I wanted to go to culinary school when I graduated, that was not an invite to send me cookbooks for the rest of my life.

I do not need rachel rays entire collection of cookbooks. I don’t even really like her that much! I rarely if ever use cookbooks. I generally make dishes that I know how to make. I might change them up a little every now and then but its usually pretty consistent. Besides having a large book sitting in my cooking space is terribly inconvenient. I generally copy recipes down onto large index cards and use those.

I understand that maybe people don’t know what to get me since I am cripplingly shy about asking for things. This does not mean that they should just take the easy way out and get me a cookbook. If they’re going to go through the trouble of getting me something they could at least get me something useful. Like and apron. A cook is always in need of aprons. Sometimes aprons get irreparably dirty and dingy so then I need a replacement. Knives are a super amazing gift. Of course I wouldn’t expect a knife from someone I’m not close to because good ones are fucking expensive.

I don’t do this to other people. I have a friend who wants to be a nurse. I don’t buy him medical themed gifts. I will not be buying him a stethoscope or books about getting into a nursing career anytime soon. I might buy him scrubs once or twice though because really nice scrubs are expensive and I want him to look really nice. Someone working in the medical field can never have enough nice scrubs. It’s a practical gift.

I will admit I did get one really good book about food once. It wasn’t really just about cooking which might be why I liked it. It was about genetically modified food and the psychology behind that. I’m really into why and how people are affected by things like that. How the media affects the way people eat, shop, live, and think really. I’m a nerd about things like that. I wish I knew where that book went.

EXTRA EXTRA!

My power went out right when I tried to post this and I felt like I was in the stone age. I just sat there and waited and the power wouldn’t come back on and I tried the breaker box but that wasn’t the problem. Obviosly the city of Jacksonville doesn’t want me to be happy and able to post this and then watch reruns of always sunny on hulu or update my facebook status or have any fun.